There wasn’t a single moment when I decided I would no longer cut myself.
The cutting slowly stopped, partially because of stabilizing mental health and partially because it is somewhat infeasible to be visibly mentally unwell if you also want to be a functioning adult.
I don’t go around bleeding through Band-Aids any more, but I still stuff my hands into my pockets when a stranger on the train throws a curious glance in their direction, still delete pictures where I’ve given a thumbs up the wrong way around, still feel apologetic and tearful when my boyfriend has to gently remove my hand from my mouth during moments of high anxiety. Out of the depths came his last wail precious, and he was gone.” ― “Why is it that one can look at a lion or a planet or an owl or at someone's finger as long as one pleases, but looking into the eyes of another person is, if prolonged past a second, a perilous affair? " And with that, even as his eyes were lifted up to gloat on his prize, he stepped too far, toppled, wavered for a moment on the brink, and then with a shriek he fell.Like many other depressed teenage girls, I cut myself fairly routinely, a practice concentrated largely before I left home that lingered on sporadically into my early adulthood — until about the time that I began with my hands.The connection isn’t as direct as beginning to bite my hands once I gave up cutting myself — there isn’t so clear a line as that — but it does make me think about how self-injurious inclinations can change and disseminate as we get older.That special stimulus was both a physical sensation and a mental one, creating vivid images in his mind. If there was no thumb, then human civilisation would lag way behind!The first time he met Sara, he felt an anonymous finger reach out and push down forcefully on that trigger on his back. Tsukuru thought about it for days, but he was not, by nature, adept at abstract thinking. He was determined to find out the meaning of that feeling, of that sensation.” ― “The fingers on the windows leave traces on them; the fingers on the body leave invisible traces. ” ― “The thumb may look like an ordinary finger, truly it is a miraculous gift from God!The day they met they talked for a long time, though he couldn't recall much of what they said. (Les doigts sur les vitres - Laissent des traces sur elles; - Les doigts sur le corps - En laissent d'invisibles.)” ― “Hold me like you hold the hand of a little kid who needs you in loneliness, bite my fingers like you bite a giggling kid in front of her friends, and play with me like you play with a kid who only has a few days to live.” ― tags: against, cale, destruction, easier, easy, english-quote, englishman, finger, four, frase, gash, god, hand, heart, hoffman, last, left, love, man, pain, paul, people, prefer, price, quote, reason, scratch, soul, tomas, understand, world “As sonner began as sooner finished... I feel it, I see it and I smell you have done something..., didn't you?? If all the fingers were long and straight, it would be impossible for us to work, hold or catch anything easily!What he did recall was the special feeling on his back, and the indefinably thrilling sensation it brought to his mind and body. If there was no thumb, then human civilisation would lag way behind!I do it with such repetition and insistence that I’ve created sores and painful and unsightly areas of permanent thickened scar tissue.It took years for me to acknowledge that I was doing this, so unconscious was the habit, and so practiced at lying did I become. ,” it’s easier to reply that you suffered a cooking injury than to try to explain that you’ve bitten a part of that hand off, and it isn’t healing as well as you might have hoped. In years past, particularly when I was single and had nobody to subject me to scrutiny, I would sometimes let it get so bad that both thumbs were open wounds, nearly always infected and never left alone long enough to heal.